Yeah..I don't have it. So...as the MINI event is getting closer, I have been neglecting some key things to do. Like paint my derby car. So I have taken on that task the past few days. Well, the spray paint I had used ran a little bit, so I got an exacto blade to pry it off, sand it down, do another coat and good to go, right? Wrong. So here I am with the car in my left hand, blade in my right, scraping towards myself, and I thought "Gee, I remember my mom and other authority figures telling me never to peel towards myself when peeling vegetables. Ha. I never cut myself with a peeler". Why did I think that an exacto knife was SAFER than a vegetable peeler? I have no freakin clue! But guess what! I cut myself. I sliced the tip of my finger pretty good, and I am quite certain that I cut through a nerve ending or two. Because this crap hurts. It hurts to do anything! It hurts to unlock my car, it hurts to pick up a bowl, everything! Oh, I forgot to mention, it's on my thumb. Not my right thumb, thankfully, but my left. You never realize how much you use your "off" thumb (left for righties, right for lefties). I figured hey, not too bad, I don't use my left thumb that much. Yeah....I was wrong about that too! See my common sense showing through? Sigh. So now starts the road to recovery and scar prevention.
 
All is fair in love and war. That's the old cliche, right? All is FAIR in love AND war. That doesn't make it hurt any less. I think that is a crappy saying. I also think people use it as an excuse to say "well, all is fair in love and war, so you should have seen it coming." Why? Why should that person have seen it coming? Fair does NOT equal approve. It just means more than likely, that poor sad person will pick up the pieces and move on. Which is fine, we all have our disappointments. But that doesn't mean they have to like what has happened. Or that they can't dislike the person who made them feel that way. And why does it only apply to couples? Is there only love between men and women (or men/men, women/women, I don't judge!)? What about parents and children? Or siblings? Does the saying apply to those situations? Why not? It's still love, correct? And anyone who has ever had a brother or sister knows it can also be war. Or anyone who has raised a teenager. Does that make everything that happens, "fair"? Because I'm pretty sure people would be pissed off at each other all the time if so.
     This brings up my next point. I've had my own fair share of situations that have hurt deeply. Because of that, I also have quite a few complexes about certain things. I always tell someone, words mean nothing to me. Actions are what speak. Why? Because obviously I've been hurt by someone saying one thing, and doing another. So I just ignore what people tell me. If they follow through with what they say, then good for them! I normally still don't care. It takes a lot of time and effort to build the trust where I will actually expect you to do what you say, and no time to tear it back down. Therefore, most people don't ever try. Some people however, I am more inclined to trust their words from the get go. I don't know why, I can't explain it, but all's fair in love and war, right? And then when I do get disappointed, I feel surprised. Ummmm, why? Why am I so surprised, that yet again, I am hurt by words? Why did I let my guard down? What does this person have that makes me trust them so much more than the rest? And yet, I allow it to happen over and over, and every time I am still disappointed. Fancy words, a gazillion, Emily, zero.
     I think that no matter how much we try, we don't change. We may change our habits, but our disposition never changes. Some people will always follow their gut instinct, others never will. People will say, I don't ever fall in love first, yet the chances of that happening at least once are pretty high. Or, I will never turn out anything like my parents, I will never make xyz mistake again, I will never touch another bottle, etc. But it still happens. I think we love to be let down. It is almost like it calms us, lets us get out all our emotions. Anyone who is happy all the time isn't really living, right? There have to be downfalls to make the happy times stand out. Question is, when is enough, enough? And what do you do if the highest joys and lowest failures are from the same source?
 
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I have a good friend of mine, Evelyn, who is an artist, and I love her to death. She is opening people's eyes, opening the world to what we used to be. Currently she is working on a piece about sexuality and masturbation, and in order to get a better idea of what the average woman does, she sent out a questionnaire to her women friends. At first she sent me an email telling me it was about masturbation, and would I be ok with that. It just baffled me that the majority of women now would not be. Why are we so quick to dismiss something that is a part of daily life? Why are we, as a society, not comfortable with talking about sexuality? It's how we stay alive, as a race, for crying out loud! Is sex so taboo, that eventually we will just quit talking about it, and quit doing it, and breed ourselves into extinction? That is incredibly depressing.
   It also makes me wonder about women (and men too) who are not comfortable in their own skin. I know everyone has their insecurities, I do too, but if you don't love your body, then change it. I did some nude photos a while ago, and people who see them now always comment on how they would like to do something like that, but they aren't brave enough. It's not about bravery, it's about being comfortable. It's about being free. It's about you, in your raw state as you're meant to be seen. We have become so jaded to bare skin that new mothers are not comfortable enough to feed their children in public without covering themselves.
     Even then, while covered, people still make rude remarks. Breasts can be sensual, yes, but their purpose for being is to feed. What is so hard to understand about that? Why do people get all bent out of shape? They can, that's why. They say things, horrible nasty things, to a mother feeding their child because it's one of the few things they have control over. If a chick walks by wearing next to nothing, they will scoff at them, but not actually open their mouths, and yet a mother feeding a newborn is so much more offensive. This leads me to believe we will breed ourselves out of existence. We can't even feed our own children without ridicule! How do we even survive? Amazing.
   I wish every man and woman would walk around for a day naked. Just a day. Then we can all see.

 
I have seriously been slacking. Between everything that's been going on, I haven't made time to write. That has definitely taken a toll on me. I have had no release from my own mind, which can turn quite dangerous if I'm not careful. So to give you a breakdown in general of what happened, here it goes. February, I went to NC, meaning to spend a little over a week, then my grandmother got sick. Went to visit her, extended my 'vacation', and then she got better. We all thought it was the end, everyone came up and said their goodbyes, and then it wasn't. Which yes, is good. Well at this point, it was a few days before Isaac's birthday. I wanted to be around friends for that event, people who could keep an eye on me, as well as being somewhere familiar. So I extended my vacation yet another few days. That whole ordeal I will address in a minute. Well I finally went home, and I was home for a grand total of 3 days when my grandmother died. So again, the next day, I packed up and went back to the Carolinas. I did not want to drive halfway across the country (again!) for just a couple of days, so I decided to stay a little longer. I went and visited some friends for several days, and finally came home. Phew. Well, in that time quite a bit happened.
     As for Isaac's birthday, the buildup was worse than the actual day. It was a lot of what if's. What if I get depressed? What if I don't think about him at all (ha, yeah right!)? What if I just go crazy? Then the day came, and I was more or less preoccupied the whole day instead. I went and got a tattoo. Well, let me rephrase that, I went and talked to a guy about a tattoo that day, but was unable to actually get it until the next day. I did go to a poetry slam that night, and it was pretty awesome. It hit a lot of emotions that I didn't realize were dormant in my soul. But it awoken my senses to them.