I have seriously been slacking. Between everything that's been going on, I haven't made time to write. That has definitely taken a toll on me. I have had no release from my own mind, which can turn quite dangerous if I'm not careful. So to give you a breakdown in general of what happened, here it goes. February, I went to NC, meaning to spend a little over a week, then my grandmother got sick. Went to visit her, extended my 'vacation', and then she got better. We all thought it was the end, everyone came up and said their goodbyes, and then it wasn't. Which yes, is good. Well at this point, it was a few days before Isaac's birthday. I wanted to be around friends for that event, people who could keep an eye on me, as well as being somewhere familiar. So I extended my vacation yet another few days. That whole ordeal I will address in a minute. Well I finally went home, and I was home for a grand total of 3 days when my grandmother died. So again, the next day, I packed up and went back to the Carolinas. I did not want to drive halfway across the country (again!) for just a couple of days, so I decided to stay a little longer. I went and visited some friends for several days, and finally came home. Phew. Well, in that time quite a bit happened.
As for Isaac's birthday, the buildup was worse than the actual day. It was a lot of what if's. What if I get depressed? What if I don't think about him at all (ha, yeah right!)? What if I just go crazy? Then the day came, and I was more or less preoccupied the whole day instead. I went and got a tattoo. Well, let me rephrase that, I went and talked to a guy about a tattoo that day, but was unable to actually get it until the next day. I did go to a poetry slam that night, and it was pretty awesome. It hit a lot of emotions that I didn't realize were dormant in my soul. But it awoken my senses to them.
My hunny has left. He's off to play in the giant sandbox in the Middle East. I am a little bit sad. But I know things will turn out just fine =o). I have faith in us; we have a very strong relationship. A little bit of ocean won't tear it apart!
I also have to give props again to the MINI people! Seriously, everyone should go out and buy a MINI just for the friends, it's great. They keep me busy, motivated, laughing, etc. Exactly what I need right now. Plus it keeps Craig on my mind (in a good way) too. I'm not sitting at home thinking about how lonely it is, instead I'm out driving about thinking about 'Craig would love this road, I'll have to show it to him when he gets back!' and so on. Chucky (the MINI) and I will be undertaking many more adventures here soon. I plan on heading out at least to NC, but probably making some trips as well to GA and to FL. And also out west! To CA and AZ as well. What fun! Happy motoring!
One thing I don't understand for the life of me, though, is where did all these people come from? When Craig left, I had people coming out of the woodwork telling me that they're here for me, let them know if I need anything, calling to make sure I'm ok, etc etc. Yet, after the adoption, over half of these people were nowhere to be found. What's funny, is my current situation is not nearly as life-threatening as my previous one. Makes the support group kind of backwards, doesn't it? I keep saying in my head that it's probably just because of awkwardness. People don't know how to deal with adoption, it's not a topic that is discussed often, and so they don't know how to make me feel better, so they just don't do anything. While, yes, that may be true for some people, I know that's not the case for all. I'm pretty sure it's because they didn't agree with our decision. But you know what? I can't worry about those people. I will just tell them thanks, and know that I have learned I can't actually count on them. Sucks it has to be that way, but what can I do? Walk through with grace and style, and that's it.
It's now December! The month of Christmas is finally upon us. I feel accomplished, even if I am still not in the Christmas spirit. I got most of my shopping done, will be heading out to do some more tomorrow. Still not feeling the whole spirit of the season though. All I have met with so far this Christmas (with a few exceptions) is nasty, grumpy attitudes. Not very giving, eh? I am going to try, however, as stated in my last blog, to get into the season by giving more myself. My coffee shop I normally go to doesn't have a drive through, and there's not too many people that are even in the store, let alone at the counter. So, maybe tomorrow I will hit up a Starbucks (gasp!) to see if I can generate a 'pay it forward' kinda thing.
I am wondering if maybe my lack of enthusiasm this season may be some residual feelings from the adoption? Funny how those kinds of things seem to finally pass, only to rear up and smack you in the face again. Whenever I have people ask what it's like to be a birth mother, it really isn't an experience that's easy to put into words. But the best one can describe it is that it's similar to losing your child, over and over again. You can't move on, get over the hurt and regret, when that person is still living, and when they haven't done anything to you. Similar to an ex that you don't hate. But worse. We all have that one, the 'one that got away', or something similar. Some of us may always regret that decision, think, 'why in the hell did I break up with him/her?' Some of us may remember the reasons why it ended, but still miss those days. Well, being a birth mother is a combination of those feelings, and losing someone you love. And it's hard. But, taking it one day at a time, and knowing I made the right decision is what keeps me going. Next stop, holiday cheer!
So up until recently I was seeing a psychologist for, what I hope are, obvious reasons. A lot was talked about, namely the adoption stuff. And it came to my attention that adoptees aren't thought about as much as the adopters and birth parents. Well, they are in the fact that we birth parents want better lives for them, and adoptive parents want someone to shower their love and affection on, but not too many think of things from the adoptee's point of view. My psychologist and I got on the subject of holidays and cards (I make my own cards). I mentioned that of course I would be making cards at Christmas and birthdays, etc. She asked me if I was going to be sending them to him, and I had just shrugged it off as the adoptive parents probably didn't want me to. I know they plan on letting him know he is adopted from day one, but I don't know how much direct contact they want him to have with me, which is understandable and what we agreed upon. However, my psychologist brought up the good point, what about Ike? Would he want the cards to read, to know that he was given up for adoption out of love, and not out of indifference? Would he want the cards to feel like he has some connection with his birth family? Or will seeing the cards only lead to more pain for him, knowing that we made the decision to give him up?
What about Birth Mother's Day? A lot of birth moms talk crap about Birth Mother's Day (the day before Mother's Day) saying it might as well be breeder's day, and that we deserve to be thought of on Mother's Day too. Well yes, but that's not the point of b-mom's day. The point is for mothers who have both surrendered and parented children to be able to work through their feelings of guilt and remorse while still keeping the happy feeling of Mother's Day. But what about adoptees? Does nobody think that they want a separate day to think of their birth moms? A day to pay them tribute for choosing life for them over the alternatives, without feeling like they are betraying their adoptive mom? They have just as many emotions as everyone else, so why aren't they thought of when we are trying to piece things together?
I think adoptees are thrown to the side a lot because most of them don't really get a say in much. I mean, how much say can you have if you can't even talk yet, you know? But as they get older, and especially if they don't find out till they are *adults* that they are adopted, they have feelings they need to work through regarding the adoption just like all of us. I wish that we could think more about what they want. After all, that bundle of joy is the whole reason why we made the choice we did. When did their well being get shoved to the side for our own?
I understand that not a lot of people know much about birth parents. However, what they think they know is normally completely wrong. While yes, the drug-addicted mom who had her child taken away right after birth makes for a good story, most infant births are nothing like that. It's normally good people who took a chance, got pregnant, and are now trying to make things right for the unborn child in utero. One thing I don't get is adoptive parents. I know most a-parents' biggest fear is that the b-mother will one day waltz into their child's life and take him/her away. Because there is not a lot of info on b-parents out there, people assume these fears are founded and support a-parents in cutting b-parents out. Thus we all get swept under the rug.
Guess what. It's not founded. Once all the papers are signed and everything is legalized, it's highly *highly* unlikely that 1) the b-mother will even want to take the child back at that point (not that we don't love our birth children, just that we know we made the right decision) and 2) it's even remotely possible. After it's all said and done, we are no longer the legal guardians. The only thing that ties us to our birth children is the birth certificate, and our DNA. But since everyone knows the a-parents story, they all say "You don't want her to take your child away! S/He doesn't need her in their life! Just stop sending pictures." Problem with this way of thinking is, there is nothing we, as b-parents, can really do about it. Back under the rug I go.
While adoptive parents fears are highly unlikely to ever happen, a birth parents biggest fears happen all the time. Our biggest fears are that we will be cut completely out of the loop (if a semi or open adoption), and/or that our child will not want to find us one day. And guess what? That DOES happen. A lot. It hasn't happened to me, but if it does, I would be just devastated. One thing you should know, is that we b-mothers aren't there to replace the child's a-mother. We are not the one's kissing boo-boos, staying up all night with fevers, or managing our way through the dreaded teenage years and first heartbreaks. If my adopted son invites me to his wedding in 20 years, I don't want to be "the mother of the groom." He already has one of those. I want to go, as the woman who chose life, and celebrate the person he has become because of all of us. But alas, a lot of b-mothers never get that chance. Why? Because nobody knows or cares about our feelings. You really need to dust under your rug, you know.
On the subject of feelings, about this adoption roller coaster. I understand that the problems of struggling to conceive for 5 years (or however long) and then the whole adoption process can wear on you. I get that, I really do. Plus with the added heartache of being turned down for a match, or the birth mother deciding to parent, it gets downright depressing! However, when you get off that roller coaster, the b-mother takes your place. You were on it for what, maybe 10 years? some more, some less? We are on it forever. There will never be a day that goes by that I don't think about my son. I will get to go up and down on this roller coaster for the next 50+ years. It is going to suck. So while you are happy with your new family, and remembering all those years of hurt, please think of me and send some happiness. Your years of hurt and pain become my life. And to add to that, I can't make it publicly known. Because I get shot down by everyone accusing me of wanting adoptive families to be unhappy. That's not true. I want them to all be happy, that's why we birth parents make the decisions we do! Just don't dream the illusion that you are the only ones that suffer years and years of endless pain. Because you're not. I guess I'll just set myself up a little living space under your rug. At this rate I'm never coming out.
Things are finally starting to take a turn for better! I am feeling more empowered by the route that choosing adoption has taken us. It was the hardest and saddest decision I have ever had to make, yes, but I feel like a much better person for it. It has opened my eyes, and allowed me to not take things for granted anymore. I am slowly coming out of my postpartum and regular depression, yay! and I managed to make it through without meds. I am finally finding some inner energy, and getting my groove back. The apartment is happier, it's cleaner now! I made myself a little checklist with things for me to do each day so I don't feel so overwhelmed. Might I add cats are a necessity for depression cures! ok, maybe not, but they helped. I wub my angels! And they enjoy me more now too, I am playing with them more! I also joined a local stamping group. Maybe some new friends are on the horizon! It would be nice to have some that are close. Craig is talking about going overseas on a year contract. The money would be nice, it would be nice to get so far ahead in just a year. I know it comes with a huge risk, but our soldiers take that risk every day. It would suck being over here by myself, but at the same time, when he comes home it will be like we are dating again, with butterflies and everything! For now though, I am going to focus on the present and the fact that my mood swings finally went in the up direction.
People have told me on numerous occasions I should start a blog. It's therapeutic. So I decided to cave in. General overview time! My name is Emily. I live with my fiance Craig here in Texas. Texas sucks. We're from North Carolina. We both want to go back. Stupid work. Anywho, last February, I gave birth via c-section to a beautiful baby boy! Well, he is our son, but we are not his parents. We decided to give him up for adoption. It has been a hard burden to bear. But we are getting through it and it is bringing us closer together! We have an open adoption and his parents are great! They're such nice people, and so deserving of this happiness! Right now I am unemployed (because Craig is my sugar daddy LOL) so hopefully I will be able to keep up with my blogs!
