All is fair in love and war. That's the old cliche, right? All is FAIR in love AND war. That doesn't make it hurt any less. I think that is a crappy saying. I also think people use it as an excuse to say "well, all is fair in love and war, so you should have seen it coming." Why? Why should that person have seen it coming? Fair does NOT equal approve. It just means more than likely, that poor sad person will pick up the pieces and move on. Which is fine, we all have our disappointments. But that doesn't mean they have to like what has happened. Or that they can't dislike the person who made them feel that way. And why does it only apply to couples? Is there only love between men and women (or men/men, women/women, I don't judge!)? What about parents and children? Or siblings? Does the saying apply to those situations? Why not? It's still love, correct? And anyone who has ever had a brother or sister knows it can also be war. Or anyone who has raised a teenager. Does that make everything that happens, "fair"? Because I'm pretty sure people would be pissed off at each other all the time if so.
     This brings up my next point. I've had my own fair share of situations that have hurt deeply. Because of that, I also have quite a few complexes about certain things. I always tell someone, words mean nothing to me. Actions are what speak. Why? Because obviously I've been hurt by someone saying one thing, and doing another. So I just ignore what people tell me. If they follow through with what they say, then good for them! I normally still don't care. It takes a lot of time and effort to build the trust where I will actually expect you to do what you say, and no time to tear it back down. Therefore, most people don't ever try. Some people however, I am more inclined to trust their words from the get go. I don't know why, I can't explain it, but all's fair in love and war, right? And then when I do get disappointed, I feel surprised. Ummmm, why? Why am I so surprised, that yet again, I am hurt by words? Why did I let my guard down? What does this person have that makes me trust them so much more than the rest? And yet, I allow it to happen over and over, and every time I am still disappointed. Fancy words, a gazillion, Emily, zero.
     I think that no matter how much we try, we don't change. We may change our habits, but our disposition never changes. Some people will always follow their gut instinct, others never will. People will say, I don't ever fall in love first, yet the chances of that happening at least once are pretty high. Or, I will never turn out anything like my parents, I will never make xyz mistake again, I will never touch another bottle, etc. But it still happens. I think we love to be let down. It is almost like it calms us, lets us get out all our emotions. Anyone who is happy all the time isn't really living, right? There have to be downfalls to make the happy times stand out. Question is, when is enough, enough? And what do you do if the highest joys and lowest failures are from the same source?
 
I have seriously been slacking. Between everything that's been going on, I haven't made time to write. That has definitely taken a toll on me. I have had no release from my own mind, which can turn quite dangerous if I'm not careful. So to give you a breakdown in general of what happened, here it goes. February, I went to NC, meaning to spend a little over a week, then my grandmother got sick. Went to visit her, extended my 'vacation', and then she got better. We all thought it was the end, everyone came up and said their goodbyes, and then it wasn't. Which yes, is good. Well at this point, it was a few days before Isaac's birthday. I wanted to be around friends for that event, people who could keep an eye on me, as well as being somewhere familiar. So I extended my vacation yet another few days. That whole ordeal I will address in a minute. Well I finally went home, and I was home for a grand total of 3 days when my grandmother died. So again, the next day, I packed up and went back to the Carolinas. I did not want to drive halfway across the country (again!) for just a couple of days, so I decided to stay a little longer. I went and visited some friends for several days, and finally came home. Phew. Well, in that time quite a bit happened.
     As for Isaac's birthday, the buildup was worse than the actual day. It was a lot of what if's. What if I get depressed? What if I don't think about him at all (ha, yeah right!)? What if I just go crazy? Then the day came, and I was more or less preoccupied the whole day instead. I went and got a tattoo. Well, let me rephrase that, I went and talked to a guy about a tattoo that day, but was unable to actually get it until the next day. I did go to a poetry slam that night, and it was pretty awesome. It hit a lot of emotions that I didn't realize were dormant in my soul. But it awoken my senses to them.
 
Picture
Do you ever feel....shunned? That is how I have felt the past week or so. Pushed out, ignored, even laughed at and made fun of. It could all very well be in my head, but I notice it in the little things people do. In the expression on their faces when they first see me; It's the 'OMG it's HER' look, the one people erase half a second later and put on a fake smile. It makes me wonder what it is about me they don't like. The way I look? The way I act? What?

If I knew, I could fix it. I mentioned that in one of my earlier blogs; If you don't like yourself, change. But I DO like myself, for the most part. I think I'm just paranoid, and looking too hard for friendship. Everyone can be my friend! yay! But I seem to forget that not everyone wants to be my friend. Why should I be the one to change? It's not my fault they can't understand what I'm going through. So screw it. And screw them.

High school drama. You hear that phrase all the time. 'Stop with the high school drama, already.' The thing is, it never ends. we just learn to deal with it, with class. High school drama is not just for high schoolers. All the things we thought we left on the graduation stage, never end. Not having the latest fashions, not having the latest gadgets, not having the latest toys, cars, slang, whatever. It seems like I am always behind the curve. I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. A lot. I think I'm still a bit emotional over everything.

Moral of the story! is, keep your chin up. One day someone will come along and be the best friend you ever had. They won't care you don't have an iPhone, or the latest (and probably ugliest) boots. I just hope they come soon, keeping my chin up is a lot of work for someone so tall.

 
It's now December! The month of Christmas is finally upon us. I feel accomplished, even if I am still not in the Christmas spirit. I got most of my shopping done, will be heading out to do some more tomorrow. Still not feeling the whole spirit of the season though. All I have met with so far this Christmas (with a few exceptions) is nasty, grumpy attitudes. Not very giving, eh? I am going to try, however, as stated in my last blog, to get into the season by giving more myself. My coffee shop I normally go to doesn't have a drive through, and there's not too many people that are even in the store, let alone at the counter. So, maybe tomorrow I will hit up a Starbucks (gasp!) to see if I can generate a 'pay it forward' kinda thing.

I am wondering if maybe my lack of enthusiasm this season may be some residual feelings from the adoption? Funny how those kinds of things seem to finally pass, only to rear up and smack you in the face again. Whenever I have people ask what it's like to be a birth mother, it really isn't an experience that's easy to put into words. But the best one can describe it is that it's similar to losing your child, over and over again. You can't move on, get over the hurt and regret, when that person is still living, and when they haven't done anything to you. Similar to an ex that you don't hate. But worse. We all have that one, the 'one that got away', or something similar. Some of us may always regret that decision, think, 'why in the hell did I break up with him/her?' Some of us may remember the reasons why it ended, but still miss those days. Well, being a birth mother is a combination of those feelings, and losing someone you love. And it's hard. But, taking it one day at a time, and knowing I made the right decision is what keeps me going. Next stop, holiday cheer!
 
have you ever had one of "those days?" You know, where you just feel like poo. Nothing seems to go right, and just a generally crappy day. Well, it's been one of those weeks. My jaw/tooth hurts (pretty sure I need another root canal), neck hurts, Craig isn't here for the holiday, house is a mess, everyone is on edge with the Christmas season now upon us, etc etc. I just wish I could crawl up into a hole for the whole season. Which is not like me, at all. I'm just so tired of hearing all the negativity! I try my best to stay positive. I know on the outside everyone sees me as the happy go lucky kinda girl, but that's only a front. Most days it takes all my courage just to get out of bed in the mornings. But, I try to help others get into a happy mood. You cannot light another's path without brightening your own. A quote I heard once. It is very true. I put on the front of being happy so that way I will learn from my own lies and actually BE happy. Not during Christmas. It seems like everyone has something to complain about, and no matter how I try to make them see around the problem, it always fails. They just want to be miserable. So fine, be miserable. I am done trying to brighten other's lives, I will just sit in my corner quietly. It's just been one of those days/weeks/months/years.
 
A lot of people say they don't have regrets. I used to be one of them. That's not true anymore. I miss Ace. He was a good friend, and a good person. But boy could he push my buttons! I say that now with a smile on my face, because I know nobody will ever be able to aggravate me the way he did and still be a good friend. But now I regret all the times I lost sight of what was important. I regret the times that I put certain things above him, and lost my temper when all he ever did was try to make us all laugh. I regret not calling more, just to see how he was doing. I regret all the times I didn't log onto ventrilo when he was on. I regret not asking for more storytimes =o(. They always say the good die young, and that is true in this case. Our moopimp, our resident mailman, our friend and family member, Ace will forever be missed.
 
So up until recently I was seeing a psychologist for, what I hope are, obvious reasons. A lot was talked about, namely the adoption stuff. And it came to my attention that adoptees aren't thought about as much as the adopters and birth parents. Well, they are in the fact that we birth parents want better lives for them, and adoptive parents want someone to shower their love and affection on, but not too many think of things from the adoptee's point of view. My psychologist and I got on the subject of holidays and cards (I make my own cards). I mentioned that of course I would be making cards at Christmas and birthdays, etc. She asked me if I was going to be sending them to him, and I had just shrugged it off as the adoptive parents probably didn't want me to. I know they plan on letting him know he is adopted from day one, but I don't know how much direct contact they want him to have with me, which is understandable and what we agreed upon. However, my psychologist brought up the good point, what about Ike? Would he want the cards to read, to know that he was given up for adoption out of love, and not out of indifference? Would he want the cards to feel like he has some connection with his birth family? Or will seeing the cards only lead to more pain for him, knowing that we made the decision to give him up?
     What about Birth Mother's Day? A lot of birth moms talk crap about Birth Mother's Day (the day before Mother's Day) saying it might as well be breeder's day, and that we deserve to be thought of on Mother's Day too. Well yes, but that's not the point of b-mom's day. The point is for mothers who have both surrendered and parented children to be able to work through their feelings of guilt and remorse while still keeping the happy feeling of Mother's Day. But what about adoptees? Does nobody think that they want a separate day to think of their birth moms? A day to pay them tribute for choosing life for them over the alternatives, without feeling like they are betraying their adoptive mom? They have just as many emotions as everyone else, so why aren't they thought of when we are trying to piece things together?
     I think adoptees are thrown to the side a lot because most of them don't really get a say in much. I mean, how much say can you have if you can't even talk yet, you know? But as they get older, and especially if they don't find out till they are *adults* that they are adopted, they have feelings they need to work through regarding the adoption just like all of us. I wish that we could think more about what they want. After all, that bundle of joy is the whole reason why we made the choice we did. When did their well being get shoved to the side for our own?
 
I understand that not a lot of people know much about birth parents. However, what they think they know is normally completely wrong. While yes, the drug-addicted mom who had her child taken away right after birth makes for a good story, most infant births are nothing like that. It's normally good people who took a chance, got pregnant, and are now trying to make things right for the unborn child in utero. One thing I don't get is adoptive parents. I know most a-parents' biggest fear is that the b-mother will one day waltz into their child's life and take him/her away. Because there is not a lot of info on b-parents out there, people assume these fears are founded and support a-parents in cutting b-parents out. Thus we all get swept under the rug.
     Guess what. It's not founded. Once all the papers are signed and everything is legalized, it's highly *highly* unlikely that 1) the b-mother will even want to take the child back at that point (not that we don't love our birth children, just that we know we made the right decision) and 2) it's even remotely possible. After it's all said and done, we are no longer the legal guardians. The only thing that ties us to our birth children is the birth certificate, and our DNA. But since everyone knows the a-parents story, they all say "You don't want her to take your child away! S/He doesn't need her in their life! Just stop sending pictures." Problem with this way of thinking is, there is nothing we, as b-parents, can really do about it. Back under the rug I go.
     While adoptive parents fears are highly unlikely to ever happen, a birth parents biggest fears happen all the time. Our biggest fears are that we will be cut completely out of the loop (if a semi or open adoption), and/or that our child will not want to find us one day. And guess what? That DOES happen. A lot. It hasn't happened to me, but if it does, I would be just devastated. One thing you should know, is that we b-mothers aren't there to replace the child's a-mother. We are not the one's kissing boo-boos, staying up all night with fevers, or managing our way through the dreaded teenage years and first heartbreaks. If my adopted son invites me to his wedding in 20 years, I don't want to be "the mother of the groom." He already has one of those. I want to go, as the woman who chose life, and celebrate the person he has become because of all of us. But alas, a lot of b-mothers never get that chance. Why? Because nobody knows or cares about our feelings. You really need to dust under your rug, you know.
     On the subject of feelings, about this adoption roller coaster. I understand that the problems of struggling to conceive for 5 years (or however long) and then the whole adoption process can wear on you. I get that, I really do. Plus with the added heartache of being turned down for a match, or the birth mother deciding to parent, it gets downright depressing! However, when you get off that roller coaster, the b-mother takes your place. You were on it for what, maybe 10 years? some more, some less? We are on it forever. There will never be a day that goes by that I don't think about my son. I will get to go up and down on this roller coaster for the next 50+ years. It is going to suck. So while you are happy with your new family, and remembering all those years of hurt, please think of me and send some happiness. Your years of hurt and pain become my life. And to add to that, I can't make it publicly known. Because I get shot down by everyone accusing me of wanting adoptive families to be unhappy. That's not true. I want them to all be happy, that's why we birth parents make the decisions we do! Just don't dream the illusion that you are the only ones that suffer years and years of endless pain. Because you're not. I guess I'll just set myself up a little living space under your rug. At this rate I'm never coming out.
 
Things are finally starting to take a turn for better! I am feeling more empowered by the route that choosing adoption has taken us. It was the hardest and saddest decision I have ever had to make, yes, but I feel like a much better person for it. It has opened my eyes, and allowed me to not take things for granted anymore. I am slowly coming out of my postpartum and regular depression, yay! and I managed to make it through without meds. I am finally finding some inner energy, and getting my groove back. The apartment is happier, it's cleaner now! I made myself a little checklist with things for me to do each day so I don't feel so overwhelmed. Might I add cats are a necessity for depression cures! ok, maybe not, but they helped. I wub my angels! And they enjoy me more now too, I am playing with them more! I also joined a local stamping group. Maybe some new friends are on the horizon! It would be nice to have some that are close. Craig is talking about going overseas on a year contract. The money would be nice, it would be nice to get so far ahead in just a year. I know it comes with a huge risk, but our soldiers take that risk every day. It would suck being over here by myself, but at the same time, when he comes home it will be like we are dating again, with butterflies and everything! For now though, I am going to focus on the present and the fact that my mood swings finally went in the up direction.