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12/20/2010

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So....although I still feel shunned by most of society, for numerous reasons, I am incredibly excited! Why? Because Craig is coming home! We now know exactly when he will be here, Wednesday morning! Woooooohooooooo! I am so excited he gets to come home for Christmas. As an added bonus, he will be home for New Year's as well. How awesome is that? He leaves on the 2nd though =o(. I am very thankful that he will be here at least for a little bit, before he goes over.

So what does Craig coming home mean? Well, for one, I probably won't post a blog for a while. I will be busy enjoying my time with my hunny! And two, it means support over the rest of the holidays =o). With as down as I've been feeling about everything, it is going to be incredible having him here, having someone else's happiness to look after besides my own. I will have someone to help me through the nightmares, and sleepless nights, even if it is only for a week. A week in paradise. I know this next year is going to be hard, but I also know this next week and a half is a privilege, one that we weren't initially going to get. I do not plan on taking it for granted.
 
So...when Craig left, I vowed to actually clean the apartment, get things done around here (like Christmas decorating!) etc etc. However, nothing has been done! I decorated for Christmas, and I managed to get all my cards done, but laundry/dishes/housework is just piling up. I don't even game online as much as I used to! Where did all my time go? And to top it off, I haven't paid it forward yet. Sigh. I have, however, gotten out of the house, which has done wonders for my mood and morale. Mostly out with the MINI group (lots of fun, woot woot!), but also out with family. I just can't seem to get the motivation up to actually get off my butt and do something productive. Ugh! When did all my plans fly out the window?!? Guess I know what I'll be doing tomorrow!
 
It's now December! The month of Christmas is finally upon us. I feel accomplished, even if I am still not in the Christmas spirit. I got most of my shopping done, will be heading out to do some more tomorrow. Still not feeling the whole spirit of the season though. All I have met with so far this Christmas (with a few exceptions) is nasty, grumpy attitudes. Not very giving, eh? I am going to try, however, as stated in my last blog, to get into the season by giving more myself. My coffee shop I normally go to doesn't have a drive through, and there's not too many people that are even in the store, let alone at the counter. So, maybe tomorrow I will hit up a Starbucks (gasp!) to see if I can generate a 'pay it forward' kinda thing.

I am wondering if maybe my lack of enthusiasm this season may be some residual feelings from the adoption? Funny how those kinds of things seem to finally pass, only to rear up and smack you in the face again. Whenever I have people ask what it's like to be a birth mother, it really isn't an experience that's easy to put into words. But the best one can describe it is that it's similar to losing your child, over and over again. You can't move on, get over the hurt and regret, when that person is still living, and when they haven't done anything to you. Similar to an ex that you don't hate. But worse. We all have that one, the 'one that got away', or something similar. Some of us may always regret that decision, think, 'why in the hell did I break up with him/her?' Some of us may remember the reasons why it ended, but still miss those days. Well, being a birth mother is a combination of those feelings, and losing someone you love. And it's hard. But, taking it one day at a time, and knowing I made the right decision is what keeps me going. Next stop, holiday cheer!