So....although I still feel shunned by most of society, for numerous reasons, I am incredibly excited! Why? Because Craig is coming home! We now know exactly when he will be here, Wednesday morning! Woooooohooooooo! I am so excited he gets to come home for Christmas. As an added bonus, he will be home for New Year's as well. How awesome is that? He leaves on the 2nd though =o(. I am very thankful that he will be here at least for a little bit, before he goes over.
So what does Craig coming home mean? Well, for one, I probably won't post a blog for a while. I will be busy enjoying my time with my hunny! And two, it means support over the rest of the holidays =o). With as down as I've been feeling about everything, it is going to be incredible having him here, having someone else's happiness to look after besides my own. I will have someone to help me through the nightmares, and sleepless nights, even if it is only for a week. A week in paradise. I know this next year is going to be hard, but I also know this next week and a half is a privilege, one that we weren't initially going to get. I do not plan on taking it for granted.
Do you ever feel....shunned? That is how I have felt the past week or so. Pushed out, ignored, even laughed at and made fun of. It could all very well be in my head, but I notice it in the little things people do. In the expression on their faces when they first see me; It's the 'OMG it's HER' look, the one people erase half a second later and put on a fake smile. It makes me wonder what it is about me they don't like. The way I look? The way I act? What?
If I knew, I could fix it. I mentioned that in one of my earlier blogs; If you don't like yourself, change. But I DO like myself, for the most part. I think I'm just paranoid, and looking too hard for friendship. Everyone can be my friend! yay! But I seem to forget that not everyone wants to be my friend. Why should I be the one to change? It's not my fault they can't understand what I'm going through. So screw it. And screw them.
High school drama. You hear that phrase all the time. 'Stop with the high school drama, already.' The thing is, it never ends. we just learn to deal with it, with class. High school drama is not just for high schoolers. All the things we thought we left on the graduation stage, never end. Not having the latest fashions, not having the latest gadgets, not having the latest toys, cars, slang, whatever. It seems like I am always behind the curve. I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. A lot. I think I'm still a bit emotional over everything.
Moral of the story! is, keep your chin up. One day someone will come along and be the best friend you ever had. They won't care you don't have an iPhone, or the latest (and probably ugliest) boots. I just hope they come soon, keeping my chin up is a lot of work for someone so tall.
have you ever had one of "those days?" You know, where you just feel like poo. Nothing seems to go right, and just a generally crappy day. Well, it's been one of those weeks. My jaw/tooth hurts (pretty sure I need another root canal), neck hurts, Craig isn't here for the holiday, house is a mess, everyone is on edge with the Christmas season now upon us, etc etc. I just wish I could crawl up into a hole for the whole season. Which is not like me, at all. I'm just so tired of hearing all the negativity! I try my best to stay positive. I know on the outside everyone sees me as the happy go lucky kinda girl, but that's only a front. Most days it takes all my courage just to get out of bed in the mornings. But, I try to help others get into a happy mood. You cannot light another's path without brightening your own. A quote I heard once. It is very true. I put on the front of being happy so that way I will learn from my own lies and actually BE happy. Not during Christmas. It seems like everyone has something to complain about, and no matter how I try to make them see around the problem, it always fails. They just want to be miserable. So fine, be miserable. I am done trying to brighten other's lives, I will just sit in my corner quietly. It's just been one of those days/weeks/months/years.
So...I know I've been slacking on the blog posts! Sorry! I was trying to get in all the time I had left with my Craig. He left this past sunday =o( BOOOOO. I misses him already. But for right now we're still talking a lot and such as he is only in AZ. Which is cool. We also joined a MINI club here in the DFW area. I have made some new friends already =oD. Went out tonight with them actually, had lots o fun. I was unsure if I was going to go or not, but I figured I should do what I can to get out of the house and I am super glad I did. I had a blast. Although it was a little unnerving driving Chucky (our MINI) in such traffic for the first time in a while, but I did swell. I figured I shouldn't worry as much as I do about it, because then I'll get all cramped up and it's just not pretty. So that's my blog-motto for the day! Don't sweat it. You'll cramp up!
A lot of people say they don't have regrets. I used to be one of them. That's not true anymore. I miss Ace. He was a good friend, and a good person. But boy could he push my buttons! I say that now with a smile on my face, because I know nobody will ever be able to aggravate me the way he did and still be a good friend. But now I regret all the times I lost sight of what was important. I regret the times that I put certain things above him, and lost my temper when all he ever did was try to make us all laugh. I regret not calling more, just to see how he was doing. I regret all the times I didn't log onto ventrilo when he was on. I regret not asking for more storytimes =o(. They always say the good die young, and that is true in this case. Our moopimp, our resident mailman, our friend and family member, Ace will forever be missed.
We all know that one person. The one who always dates the guys/girls who treats her/him like poo, or the one who always has drama in their life. You know who I'm talking about. That one person who makes the same mistakes over and over and blames every one else. The one person who always seems to miss the one thing obvious to everyone else. If you are always dating the wrong people, well the only thing constant in every relationship...is you. Maybe try a different tactic, since obviously the old one isn't working for you. More drama in your life than a bad soap opera? Guess what! yup, you got it, you again. Life is full of drama, there is no escaping that fact, but you can choose how you handle it. If you don't like the way things are, then change them! I think we as a species are drawn to that which is warm and comforting but which ultimately will kill us in the end. Just like a moth to a flame. We do the same routines we always have because it's easy, it's comforting, but if you always do the same things, nothing will change. If you like your life, then by all means you're doing something right, continue on. However, most of us are always on the path of improvement. Which means unless you are already doing something to fix whatever needs fixing in your life, you need to change. Is that concept really that hard to understand? I see so many people complaining about some aspect of their lives they cannot control. Well then cut it out! Is a certain friend really bugging you? Then stop talking to that person! Family member dragging you down with their bad habits? Cut them out of your life. Heck it may be the wake up call they need. If you don't want to get burned then get out of the fire!
So up until recently I was seeing a psychologist for, what I hope are, obvious reasons. A lot was talked about, namely the adoption stuff. And it came to my attention that adoptees aren't thought about as much as the adopters and birth parents. Well, they are in the fact that we birth parents want better lives for them, and adoptive parents want someone to shower their love and affection on, but not too many think of things from the adoptee's point of view. My psychologist and I got on the subject of holidays and cards (I make my own cards). I mentioned that of course I would be making cards at Christmas and birthdays, etc. She asked me if I was going to be sending them to him, and I had just shrugged it off as the adoptive parents probably didn't want me to. I know they plan on letting him know he is adopted from day one, but I don't know how much direct contact they want him to have with me, which is understandable and what we agreed upon. However, my psychologist brought up the good point, what about Ike? Would he want the cards to read, to know that he was given up for adoption out of love, and not out of indifference? Would he want the cards to feel like he has some connection with his birth family? Or will seeing the cards only lead to more pain for him, knowing that we made the decision to give him up?
What about Birth Mother's Day? A lot of birth moms talk crap about Birth Mother's Day (the day before Mother's Day) saying it might as well be breeder's day, and that we deserve to be thought of on Mother's Day too. Well yes, but that's not the point of b-mom's day. The point is for mothers who have both surrendered and parented children to be able to work through their feelings of guilt and remorse while still keeping the happy feeling of Mother's Day. But what about adoptees? Does nobody think that they want a separate day to think of their birth moms? A day to pay them tribute for choosing life for them over the alternatives, without feeling like they are betraying their adoptive mom? They have just as many emotions as everyone else, so why aren't they thought of when we are trying to piece things together?
I think adoptees are thrown to the side a lot because most of them don't really get a say in much. I mean, how much say can you have if you can't even talk yet, you know? But as they get older, and especially if they don't find out till they are *adults* that they are adopted, they have feelings they need to work through regarding the adoption just like all of us. I wish that we could think more about what they want. After all, that bundle of joy is the whole reason why we made the choice we did. When did their well being get shoved to the side for our own?
So, as I was making dinner the other night, I realized my "scrap night" dinners come out better than the recipe ones! I just go through my cabinets, think hmmm, this would go great with chicken! throw it all together and voila! food! I have discovered that if you bake chicken in a vinegar based broth it is AWESOME! Although I normally add some oil and other things so it's not so tart. Last time I added some white cooking wine, and it rocked. I also had fresh cherry tomatoes and snow peas I bought at the farmer's market. Then of course the herbs and spices. It was soooo yummy I made it again the next night. But it started out as me thinking "I have to cook this chicken, and eat those tomatoes and peas before it all goes bad. What goes with it all? I could make stir fry. No, too much work. I have some red wine vinegar! I'll bake it!" and it all just went from there. And it was good. Same thing happened to me last time too! I had some sun dried tomatoes that I used for another recipe (that came out, eh, ok, I might add) and some chicken I needed to use. Threw it all together and low and behold, a yumm-o dinner!
I wonder if this is an insight to life, too? I planned on going to college (I still do), planned on moving out of Texas, planned on a lot of things that haven't happened yet. But besides the fact that I hate this place, I'm pretty happy. I have a good life, even though it's like "scrap night" for me. I take the basics (me, Craig, and Texas) and add in things I think will go well with it. I guess everything is what you make it!
I understand that not a lot of people know much about birth parents. However, what they think they know is normally completely wrong. While yes, the drug-addicted mom who had her child taken away right after birth makes for a good story, most infant births are nothing like that. It's normally good people who took a chance, got pregnant, and are now trying to make things right for the unborn child in utero. One thing I don't get is adoptive parents. I know most a-parents' biggest fear is that the b-mother will one day waltz into their child's life and take him/her away. Because there is not a lot of info on b-parents out there, people assume these fears are founded and support a-parents in cutting b-parents out. Thus we all get swept under the rug.
Guess what. It's not founded. Once all the papers are signed and everything is legalized, it's highly *highly* unlikely that 1) the b-mother will even want to take the child back at that point (not that we don't love our birth children, just that we know we made the right decision) and 2) it's even remotely possible. After it's all said and done, we are no longer the legal guardians. The only thing that ties us to our birth children is the birth certificate, and our DNA. But since everyone knows the a-parents story, they all say "You don't want her to take your child away! S/He doesn't need her in their life! Just stop sending pictures." Problem with this way of thinking is, there is nothing we, as b-parents, can really do about it. Back under the rug I go.
While adoptive parents fears are highly unlikely to ever happen, a birth parents biggest fears happen all the time. Our biggest fears are that we will be cut completely out of the loop (if a semi or open adoption), and/or that our child will not want to find us one day. And guess what? That DOES happen. A lot. It hasn't happened to me, but if it does, I would be just devastated. One thing you should know, is that we b-mothers aren't there to replace the child's a-mother. We are not the one's kissing boo-boos, staying up all night with fevers, or managing our way through the dreaded teenage years and first heartbreaks. If my adopted son invites me to his wedding in 20 years, I don't want to be "the mother of the groom." He already has one of those. I want to go, as the woman who chose life, and celebrate the person he has become because of all of us. But alas, a lot of b-mothers never get that chance. Why? Because nobody knows or cares about our feelings. You really need to dust under your rug, you know.
On the subject of feelings, about this adoption roller coaster. I understand that the problems of struggling to conceive for 5 years (or however long) and then the whole adoption process can wear on you. I get that, I really do. Plus with the added heartache of being turned down for a match, or the birth mother deciding to parent, it gets downright depressing! However, when you get off that roller coaster, the b-mother takes your place. You were on it for what, maybe 10 years? some more, some less? We are on it forever. There will never be a day that goes by that I don't think about my son. I will get to go up and down on this roller coaster for the next 50+ years. It is going to suck. So while you are happy with your new family, and remembering all those years of hurt, please think of me and send some happiness. Your years of hurt and pain become my life. And to add to that, I can't make it publicly known. Because I get shot down by everyone accusing me of wanting adoptive families to be unhappy. That's not true. I want them to all be happy, that's why we birth parents make the decisions we do! Just don't dream the illusion that you are the only ones that suffer years and years of endless pain. Because you're not. I guess I'll just set myself up a little living space under your rug. At this rate I'm never coming out.
So. Another blog I read was talking (typing) about doing random acts of kindness. More or less perpetuating the pay it forward idea. You know, where you pay for the guy behind you, he pays for the guys behind him, they pay for the lady behind them, etc etc. So anyways, I think I am going to start doing this more often. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times when I am "kind", such as holding a door when someone is walking behind me, or helping a mother who has her hands full when her little one drops her toy, stuff like that. But in those situations, it's either be kind, or be an ass. I don't have to hold the door, I could let it slam in that persons face. Or I could just stare at the toy on the floor, and the mother would probably hate me. But I want to do real acts of kindness. Such as, paying for someone's coffee. I don't have to, if I don't, I won't be a dillhole. After all, that person was intending on paying for their own coffee themselves. Or going out of my way to help an elderly person with putting groceries in their car. There is just not enough kindness in the world today. All we see is violence and mayhem. Hopefully, if I start going out of my way to be kind to people, other people will fall in step. One person at a time, we can all make this a better place to live, for us all. So I advise everyone to start "paying it forward" and being kind. If you like, feel free to leave your experiences in the comments below!