I understand that not a lot of people know much about birth parents. However, what they think they know is normally completely wrong. While yes, the drug-addicted mom who had her child taken away right after birth makes for a good story, most infant births are nothing like that. It's normally good people who took a chance, got pregnant, and are now trying to make things right for the unborn child in utero. One thing I don't get is adoptive parents. I know most a-parents' biggest fear is that the b-mother will one day waltz into their child's life and take him/her away. Because there is not a lot of info on b-parents out there, people assume these fears are founded and support a-parents in cutting b-parents out. Thus we all get swept under the rug.
Guess what. It's not founded. Once all the papers are signed and everything is legalized, it's highly *highly* unlikely that 1) the b-mother will even want to take the child back at that point (not that we don't love our birth children, just that we know we made the right decision) and 2) it's even remotely possible. After it's all said and done, we are no longer the legal guardians. The only thing that ties us to our birth children is the birth certificate, and our DNA. But since everyone knows the a-parents story, they all say "You don't want her to take your child away! S/He doesn't need her in their life! Just stop sending pictures." Problem with this way of thinking is, there is nothing we, as b-parents, can really do about it. Back under the rug I go.
While adoptive parents fears are highly unlikely to ever happen, a birth parents biggest fears happen all the time. Our biggest fears are that we will be cut completely out of the loop (if a semi or open adoption), and/or that our child will not want to find us one day. And guess what? That DOES happen. A lot. It hasn't happened to me, but if it does, I would be just devastated. One thing you should know, is that we b-mothers aren't there to replace the child's a-mother. We are not the one's kissing boo-boos, staying up all night with fevers, or managing our way through the dreaded teenage years and first heartbreaks. If my adopted son invites me to his wedding in 20 years, I don't want to be "the mother of the groom." He already has one of those. I want to go, as the woman who chose life, and celebrate the person he has become because of all of us. But alas, a lot of b-mothers never get that chance. Why? Because nobody knows or cares about our feelings. You really need to dust under your rug, you know.
On the subject of feelings, about this adoption roller coaster. I understand that the problems of struggling to conceive for 5 years (or however long) and then the whole adoption process can wear on you. I get that, I really do. Plus with the added heartache of being turned down for a match, or the birth mother deciding to parent, it gets downright depressing! However, when you get off that roller coaster, the b-mother takes your place. You were on it for what, maybe 10 years? some more, some less? We are on it forever. There will never be a day that goes by that I don't think about my son. I will get to go up and down on this roller coaster for the next 50+ years. It is going to suck. So while you are happy with your new family, and remembering all those years of hurt, please think of me and send some happiness. Your years of hurt and pain become my life. And to add to that, I can't make it publicly known. Because I get shot down by everyone accusing me of wanting adoptive families to be unhappy. That's not true. I want them to all be happy, that's why we birth parents make the decisions we do! Just don't dream the illusion that you are the only ones that suffer years and years of endless pain. Because you're not. I guess I'll just set myself up a little living space under your rug. At this rate I'm never coming out.
Guess what. It's not founded. Once all the papers are signed and everything is legalized, it's highly *highly* unlikely that 1) the b-mother will even want to take the child back at that point (not that we don't love our birth children, just that we know we made the right decision) and 2) it's even remotely possible. After it's all said and done, we are no longer the legal guardians. The only thing that ties us to our birth children is the birth certificate, and our DNA. But since everyone knows the a-parents story, they all say "You don't want her to take your child away! S/He doesn't need her in their life! Just stop sending pictures." Problem with this way of thinking is, there is nothing we, as b-parents, can really do about it. Back under the rug I go.
While adoptive parents fears are highly unlikely to ever happen, a birth parents biggest fears happen all the time. Our biggest fears are that we will be cut completely out of the loop (if a semi or open adoption), and/or that our child will not want to find us one day. And guess what? That DOES happen. A lot. It hasn't happened to me, but if it does, I would be just devastated. One thing you should know, is that we b-mothers aren't there to replace the child's a-mother. We are not the one's kissing boo-boos, staying up all night with fevers, or managing our way through the dreaded teenage years and first heartbreaks. If my adopted son invites me to his wedding in 20 years, I don't want to be "the mother of the groom." He already has one of those. I want to go, as the woman who chose life, and celebrate the person he has become because of all of us. But alas, a lot of b-mothers never get that chance. Why? Because nobody knows or cares about our feelings. You really need to dust under your rug, you know.
On the subject of feelings, about this adoption roller coaster. I understand that the problems of struggling to conceive for 5 years (or however long) and then the whole adoption process can wear on you. I get that, I really do. Plus with the added heartache of being turned down for a match, or the birth mother deciding to parent, it gets downright depressing! However, when you get off that roller coaster, the b-mother takes your place. You were on it for what, maybe 10 years? some more, some less? We are on it forever. There will never be a day that goes by that I don't think about my son. I will get to go up and down on this roller coaster for the next 50+ years. It is going to suck. So while you are happy with your new family, and remembering all those years of hurt, please think of me and send some happiness. Your years of hurt and pain become my life. And to add to that, I can't make it publicly known. Because I get shot down by everyone accusing me of wanting adoptive families to be unhappy. That's not true. I want them to all be happy, that's why we birth parents make the decisions we do! Just don't dream the illusion that you are the only ones that suffer years and years of endless pain. Because you're not. I guess I'll just set myself up a little living space under your rug. At this rate I'm never coming out.