Picture
So, as I was making dinner the other night, I realized my "scrap night" dinners come out better than the recipe ones! I just go through my cabinets, think hmmm, this would go great with chicken! throw it all together and voila! food! I have discovered that if you bake chicken in a vinegar based broth it is AWESOME! Although I normally add some oil and other things so it's not so tart. Last time I added some white cooking wine, and it rocked. I also had fresh cherry tomatoes and snow peas I bought at the farmer's market. Then of course the herbs and spices. It was soooo yummy I made it again the next night. But it started out as me thinking "I have to cook this chicken, and eat those tomatoes and peas before it all goes bad. What goes with it all? I could make stir fry. No, too much work. I have some red wine vinegar! I'll bake it!" and it all just went from there. And it was good. Same thing happened to me last time too! I had some sun dried tomatoes that I used for another recipe (that came out, eh, ok, I might add) and some chicken I needed to use. Threw it all together and low and behold, a yumm-o dinner!
     I wonder if this is an insight to life, too? I planned on going to college (I still do), planned on moving out of Texas, planned on a lot of things that haven't happened yet. But besides the fact that I hate this place, I'm pretty happy. I have a good life, even though it's like "scrap night" for me. I take the basics (me, Craig, and Texas) and add in things I think will go well with it. I guess everything is what you make it!

 
I understand that not a lot of people know much about birth parents. However, what they think they know is normally completely wrong. While yes, the drug-addicted mom who had her child taken away right after birth makes for a good story, most infant births are nothing like that. It's normally good people who took a chance, got pregnant, and are now trying to make things right for the unborn child in utero. One thing I don't get is adoptive parents. I know most a-parents' biggest fear is that the b-mother will one day waltz into their child's life and take him/her away. Because there is not a lot of info on b-parents out there, people assume these fears are founded and support a-parents in cutting b-parents out. Thus we all get swept under the rug.
     Guess what. It's not founded. Once all the papers are signed and everything is legalized, it's highly *highly* unlikely that 1) the b-mother will even want to take the child back at that point (not that we don't love our birth children, just that we know we made the right decision) and 2) it's even remotely possible. After it's all said and done, we are no longer the legal guardians. The only thing that ties us to our birth children is the birth certificate, and our DNA. But since everyone knows the a-parents story, they all say "You don't want her to take your child away! S/He doesn't need her in their life! Just stop sending pictures." Problem with this way of thinking is, there is nothing we, as b-parents, can really do about it. Back under the rug I go.
     While adoptive parents fears are highly unlikely to ever happen, a birth parents biggest fears happen all the time. Our biggest fears are that we will be cut completely out of the loop (if a semi or open adoption), and/or that our child will not want to find us one day. And guess what? That DOES happen. A lot. It hasn't happened to me, but if it does, I would be just devastated. One thing you should know, is that we b-mothers aren't there to replace the child's a-mother. We are not the one's kissing boo-boos, staying up all night with fevers, or managing our way through the dreaded teenage years and first heartbreaks. If my adopted son invites me to his wedding in 20 years, I don't want to be "the mother of the groom." He already has one of those. I want to go, as the woman who chose life, and celebrate the person he has become because of all of us. But alas, a lot of b-mothers never get that chance. Why? Because nobody knows or cares about our feelings. You really need to dust under your rug, you know.
     On the subject of feelings, about this adoption roller coaster. I understand that the problems of struggling to conceive for 5 years (or however long) and then the whole adoption process can wear on you. I get that, I really do. Plus with the added heartache of being turned down for a match, or the birth mother deciding to parent, it gets downright depressing! However, when you get off that roller coaster, the b-mother takes your place. You were on it for what, maybe 10 years? some more, some less? We are on it forever. There will never be a day that goes by that I don't think about my son. I will get to go up and down on this roller coaster for the next 50+ years. It is going to suck. So while you are happy with your new family, and remembering all those years of hurt, please think of me and send some happiness. Your years of hurt and pain become my life. And to add to that, I can't make it publicly known. Because I get shot down by everyone accusing me of wanting adoptive families to be unhappy. That's not true. I want them to all be happy, that's why we birth parents make the decisions we do! Just don't dream the illusion that you are the only ones that suffer years and years of endless pain. Because you're not. I guess I'll just set myself up a little living space under your rug. At this rate I'm never coming out.
 
So. Another blog I read was talking (typing) about doing random acts of kindness. More or less perpetuating the pay it forward idea. You know, where you pay for the guy behind you, he pays for the guys behind him, they pay for the lady behind them, etc etc. So anyways, I think I am going to start doing this more often. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times when I am "kind", such as holding a door when someone is walking behind me, or helping a mother who has her hands full when her little one drops her toy, stuff like that. But in those situations, it's either be kind, or be an ass. I don't have to hold the door, I could let it slam in that persons face. Or I could just stare at the toy on the floor, and the mother would probably hate me. But I want to do real acts of kindness. Such as, paying for someone's coffee. I don't have to, if I don't, I won't be a dillhole. After all, that person was intending on paying for their own coffee themselves. Or going out of my way to help an elderly person with putting groceries in their car. There is just not enough kindness in the world today.  All we see is violence and mayhem. Hopefully, if I start going out of my way to be kind to people, other people will fall in step. One person at a time, we can all make this a better place to live, for us all. So I advise everyone to start "paying it forward" and being kind. If you like, feel free to leave your experiences in the comments below!