It's now December! The month of Christmas is finally upon us. I feel accomplished, even if I am still not in the Christmas spirit. I got most of my shopping done, will be heading out to do some more tomorrow. Still not feeling the whole spirit of the season though. All I have met with so far this Christmas (with a few exceptions) is nasty, grumpy attitudes. Not very giving, eh? I am going to try, however, as stated in my last blog, to get into the season by giving more myself. My coffee shop I normally go to doesn't have a drive through, and there's not too many people that are even in the store, let alone at the counter. So, maybe tomorrow I will hit up a Starbucks (gasp!) to see if I can generate a 'pay it forward' kinda thing.

I am wondering if maybe my lack of enthusiasm this season may be some residual feelings from the adoption? Funny how those kinds of things seem to finally pass, only to rear up and smack you in the face again. Whenever I have people ask what it's like to be a birth mother, it really isn't an experience that's easy to put into words. But the best one can describe it is that it's similar to losing your child, over and over again. You can't move on, get over the hurt and regret, when that person is still living, and when they haven't done anything to you. Similar to an ex that you don't hate. But worse. We all have that one, the 'one that got away', or something similar. Some of us may always regret that decision, think, 'why in the hell did I break up with him/her?' Some of us may remember the reasons why it ended, but still miss those days. Well, being a birth mother is a combination of those feelings, and losing someone you love. And it's hard. But, taking it one day at a time, and knowing I made the right decision is what keeps me going. Next stop, holiday cheer!

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