Yeah..I don't have it. So...as the MINI event is getting closer, I have been neglecting some key things to do. Like paint my derby car. So I have taken on that task the past few days. Well, the spray paint I had used ran a little bit, so I got an exacto blade to pry it off, sand it down, do another coat and good to go, right? Wrong. So here I am with the car in my left hand, blade in my right, scraping towards myself, and I thought "Gee, I remember my mom and other authority figures telling me never to peel towards myself when peeling vegetables. Ha. I never cut myself with a peeler". Why did I think that an exacto knife was SAFER than a vegetable peeler? I have no freakin clue! But guess what! I cut myself. I sliced the tip of my finger pretty good, and I am quite certain that I cut through a nerve ending or two. Because this crap hurts. It hurts to do anything! It hurts to unlock my car, it hurts to pick up a bowl, everything! Oh, I forgot to mention, it's on my thumb. Not my right thumb, thankfully, but my left. You never realize how much you use your "off" thumb (left for righties, right for lefties). I figured hey, not too bad, I don't use my left thumb that much. Yeah....I was wrong about that too! See my common sense showing through? Sigh. So now starts the road to recovery and scar prevention.
All is fair in love and war. That's the old cliche, right? All is FAIR in love AND war. That doesn't make it hurt any less. I think that is a crappy saying. I also think people use it as an excuse to say "well, all is fair in love and war, so you should have seen it coming." Why? Why should that person have seen it coming? Fair does NOT equal approve. It just means more than likely, that poor sad person will pick up the pieces and move on. Which is fine, we all have our disappointments. But that doesn't mean they have to like what has happened. Or that they can't dislike the person who made them feel that way. And why does it only apply to couples? Is there only love between men and women (or men/men, women/women, I don't judge!)? What about parents and children? Or siblings? Does the saying apply to those situations? Why not? It's still love, correct? And anyone who has ever had a brother or sister knows it can also be war. Or anyone who has raised a teenager. Does that make everything that happens, "fair"? Because I'm pretty sure people would be pissed off at each other all the time if so.
This brings up my next point. I've had my own fair share of situations that have hurt deeply. Because of that, I also have quite a few complexes about certain things. I always tell someone, words mean nothing to me. Actions are what speak. Why? Because obviously I've been hurt by someone saying one thing, and doing another. So I just ignore what people tell me. If they follow through with what they say, then good for them! I normally still don't care. It takes a lot of time and effort to build the trust where I will actually expect you to do what you say, and no time to tear it back down. Therefore, most people don't ever try. Some people however, I am more inclined to trust their words from the get go. I don't know why, I can't explain it, but all's fair in love and war, right? And then when I do get disappointed, I feel surprised. Ummmm, why? Why am I so surprised, that yet again, I am hurt by words? Why did I let my guard down? What does this person have that makes me trust them so much more than the rest? And yet, I allow it to happen over and over, and every time I am still disappointed. Fancy words, a gazillion, Emily, zero.
I think that no matter how much we try, we don't change. We may change our habits, but our disposition never changes. Some people will always follow their gut instinct, others never will. People will say, I don't ever fall in love first, yet the chances of that happening at least once are pretty high. Or, I will never turn out anything like my parents, I will never make xyz mistake again, I will never touch another bottle, etc. But it still happens. I think we love to be let down. It is almost like it calms us, lets us get out all our emotions. Anyone who is happy all the time isn't really living, right? There have to be downfalls to make the happy times stand out. Question is, when is enough, enough? And what do you do if the highest joys and lowest failures are from the same source?
I have a good friend of mine, Evelyn, who is an artist, and I love her to death. She is opening people's eyes, opening the world to what we used to be. Currently she is working on a piece about sexuality and masturbation, and in order to get a better idea of what the average woman does, she sent out a questionnaire to her women friends. At first she sent me an email telling me it was about masturbation, and would I be ok with that. It just baffled me that the majority of women now would not be. Why are we so quick to dismiss something that is a part of daily life? Why are we, as a society, not comfortable with talking about sexuality? It's how we stay alive, as a race, for crying out loud! Is sex so taboo, that eventually we will just quit talking about it, and quit doing it, and breed ourselves into extinction? That is incredibly depressing.
It also makes me wonder about women (and men too) who are not comfortable in their own skin. I know everyone has their insecurities, I do too, but if you don't love your body, then change it. I did some nude photos a while ago, and people who see them now always comment on how they would like to do something like that, but they aren't brave enough. It's not about bravery, it's about being comfortable. It's about being free. It's about you, in your raw state as you're meant to be seen. We have become so jaded to bare skin that new mothers are not comfortable enough to feed their children in public without covering themselves.
Even then, while covered, people still make rude remarks. Breasts can be sensual, yes, but their purpose for being is to feed. What is so hard to understand about that? Why do people get all bent out of shape? They can, that's why. They say things, horrible nasty things, to a mother feeding their child because it's one of the few things they have control over. If a chick walks by wearing next to nothing, they will scoff at them, but not actually open their mouths, and yet a mother feeding a newborn is so much more offensive. This leads me to believe we will breed ourselves out of existence. We can't even feed our own children without ridicule! How do we even survive? Amazing.
I wish every man and woman would walk around for a day naked. Just a day. Then we can all see.
I have seriously been slacking. Between everything that's been going on, I haven't made time to write. That has definitely taken a toll on me. I have had no release from my own mind, which can turn quite dangerous if I'm not careful. So to give you a breakdown in general of what happened, here it goes. February, I went to NC, meaning to spend a little over a week, then my grandmother got sick. Went to visit her, extended my 'vacation', and then she got better. We all thought it was the end, everyone came up and said their goodbyes, and then it wasn't. Which yes, is good. Well at this point, it was a few days before Isaac's birthday. I wanted to be around friends for that event, people who could keep an eye on me, as well as being somewhere familiar. So I extended my vacation yet another few days. That whole ordeal I will address in a minute. Well I finally went home, and I was home for a grand total of 3 days when my grandmother died. So again, the next day, I packed up and went back to the Carolinas. I did not want to drive halfway across the country (again!) for just a couple of days, so I decided to stay a little longer. I went and visited some friends for several days, and finally came home. Phew. Well, in that time quite a bit happened.
As for Isaac's birthday, the buildup was worse than the actual day. It was a lot of what if's. What if I get depressed? What if I don't think about him at all (ha, yeah right!)? What if I just go crazy? Then the day came, and I was more or less preoccupied the whole day instead. I went and got a tattoo. Well, let me rephrase that, I went and talked to a guy about a tattoo that day, but was unable to actually get it until the next day. I did go to a poetry slam that night, and it was pretty awesome. It hit a lot of emotions that I didn't realize were dormant in my soul. But it awoken my senses to them.
So, I went to NC for what ended up being 3 weeks, and now, less than a week back, and I leave again to go to SC. Will update when I get back! have lots of ideas and stuff going on!
I guess I am a bit overdue for another blog, huh? It's just that, well, nothing exciting is going on! Except for my vacation, of course. Still getting things ready for that. With that being said, I did replace Chucky's brakes at the MINI of Dallas DIY day here recently. I had so much fun! It was a blast getting to learn things. And then, I replaced the turn signal bulbs and side scuttles all by mahself too! Yay, go me! I discovered something, though. I don't think the whole mechanic side of it is exciting. If I were to learn a lot about cars or whatever, I couldn't do that for a living. I think it's exciting just to learn new things. I want to be a student forever! So that begs the question...what profession would that fall under? My original major in school was Nuclear Engineering. That was mainly because math and science come so easy to me. Then I determined I wanted to be a zoologist. That is still a very real possibility. Depending on what I did with it. I could go into the research side and then it would be a constant learning! I guess that would be true for anything in a research field. I could always go back to nuclear engineering and just find a job at a research firm. That sounds like a plan. First, however, I have to start school back up. Can't wait for summer!! woot!
So here soon, I will be taking a vacation (yay) and going back home. Of course, I will visit with friends, and have all kinds of fun! Craig is jealous, naturally =oP. But he's also a little insecure about some things with him not being here. I understand this, and of course I will do what I can to make it easier, but it makes me wonder.
People always say that it takes a while to build trust back. I wonder if that is true. Sure, we've all had "those" relationships, where you don't trust the person as far as you can throw them, and they ultimately show you why. However, if someone who you did trust initially betrays you, do you ever trust them again? Even over time?
I don't think I could. If that person consented to all my demands after wards, I still don't think I could build up trust the way it was before. Every time they are in a situation that could potentially turn into a temptation, I would worry, and not trust them. Do you ever trust an alcoholic to drink again after they've been sober? What about a smoker, who has quit but only wants one "to go with beer/sex/food/whatever"? Why would you trust someone to not make the same mistake twice when it involves the heart?
To those of you who do, kudos to you =o). It takes a lot of courage to say, yes go ahead and go out with the guys, have a beer/smoke/comfort object and not think twice about it. I guess it's a good thing that as of now I trust Craig completely, and hopefully will never have to figure out how to tackle that particular problem.
My hunny has left. He's off to play in the giant sandbox in the Middle East. I am a little bit sad. But I know things will turn out just fine =o). I have faith in us; we have a very strong relationship. A little bit of ocean won't tear it apart!
I also have to give props again to the MINI people! Seriously, everyone should go out and buy a MINI just for the friends, it's great. They keep me busy, motivated, laughing, etc. Exactly what I need right now. Plus it keeps Craig on my mind (in a good way) too. I'm not sitting at home thinking about how lonely it is, instead I'm out driving about thinking about 'Craig would love this road, I'll have to show it to him when he gets back!' and so on. Chucky (the MINI) and I will be undertaking many more adventures here soon. I plan on heading out at least to NC, but probably making some trips as well to GA and to FL. And also out west! To CA and AZ as well. What fun! Happy motoring!
One thing I don't understand for the life of me, though, is where did all these people come from? When Craig left, I had people coming out of the woodwork telling me that they're here for me, let them know if I need anything, calling to make sure I'm ok, etc etc. Yet, after the adoption, over half of these people were nowhere to be found. What's funny, is my current situation is not nearly as life-threatening as my previous one. Makes the support group kind of backwards, doesn't it? I keep saying in my head that it's probably just because of awkwardness. People don't know how to deal with adoption, it's not a topic that is discussed often, and so they don't know how to make me feel better, so they just don't do anything. While, yes, that may be true for some people, I know that's not the case for all. I'm pretty sure it's because they didn't agree with our decision. But you know what? I can't worry about those people. I will just tell them thanks, and know that I have learned I can't actually count on them. Sucks it has to be that way, but what can I do? Walk through with grace and style, and that's it.
So....although I still feel shunned by most of society, for numerous reasons, I am incredibly excited! Why? Because Craig is coming home! We now know exactly when he will be here, Wednesday morning! Woooooohooooooo! I am so excited he gets to come home for Christmas. As an added bonus, he will be home for New Year's as well. How awesome is that? He leaves on the 2nd though =o(. I am very thankful that he will be here at least for a little bit, before he goes over.
So what does Craig coming home mean? Well, for one, I probably won't post a blog for a while. I will be busy enjoying my time with my hunny! And two, it means support over the rest of the holidays =o). With as down as I've been feeling about everything, it is going to be incredible having him here, having someone else's happiness to look after besides my own. I will have someone to help me through the nightmares, and sleepless nights, even if it is only for a week. A week in paradise. I know this next year is going to be hard, but I also know this next week and a half is a privilege, one that we weren't initially going to get. I do not plan on taking it for granted.
Do you ever feel....shunned? That is how I have felt the past week or so. Pushed out, ignored, even laughed at and made fun of. It could all very well be in my head, but I notice it in the little things people do. In the expression on their faces when they first see me; It's the 'OMG it's HER' look, the one people erase half a second later and put on a fake smile. It makes me wonder what it is about me they don't like. The way I look? The way I act? What?
If I knew, I could fix it. I mentioned that in one of my earlier blogs; If you don't like yourself, change. But I DO like myself, for the most part. I think I'm just paranoid, and looking too hard for friendship. Everyone can be my friend! yay! But I seem to forget that not everyone wants to be my friend. Why should I be the one to change? It's not my fault they can't understand what I'm going through. So screw it. And screw them.
High school drama. You hear that phrase all the time. 'Stop with the high school drama, already.' The thing is, it never ends. we just learn to deal with it, with class. High school drama is not just for high schoolers. All the things we thought we left on the graduation stage, never end. Not having the latest fashions, not having the latest gadgets, not having the latest toys, cars, slang, whatever. It seems like I am always behind the curve. I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. A lot. I think I'm still a bit emotional over everything.
Moral of the story! is, keep your chin up. One day someone will come along and be the best friend you ever had. They won't care you don't have an iPhone, or the latest (and probably ugliest) boots. I just hope they come soon, keeping my chin up is a lot of work for someone so tall.
Day to day life. It's what is going to kill us in the end.
What might have been...
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder